'Half A Day Of Skiing' Is My New Catchphrase

Please enter the wonderful world of Gwyneth Paltrow's ski trial, surely masquerading as the new trailer to White Lotus season 3

In the world of I’m A Celebrity You Can’t Make This Up (a show I would 100% binge-watch), I bring you Gwyneth Paltrow’s Ski Trial. I know, I know, its Dani and Gwyneth again, sigh… But honestly, I am weak. And I need to talk to someone about all this vapid, unimportant stuff. And, well, that’s you! Also, in a swipe of pop culture genius, Gwyneth’s trial also kicked off in the same week as Succession season 4, so the stealth wealth memes are overflowing – both online and in my brain. As are the wardrobe refs (mostly a combo of old Celine and her own G Label). Anyway, here we go!

It’s not salacious, it should be boring but instead its utterly bloody marvellous. Remember how I told you about Gwyneth’s quail egg omelette? This is the Quail Egg Omelette of trails – unapologetic, unnecessary and deeply, hilariously dismissive of peasants. Plus, so on-brand that you can’t help but applaud. And The Peasants (that’s us, btw) are in two camps – mad or impressed. Actually, three camps, there’s also mad and madly impressed.

The drama is this: on a ski slope at Deer Valley Resort in Utah seven years ago, someone skied into Gwyneth. Or she skied into someone. The someone is a retired optometrist called Terry, who then decided to sue her for $3mil for his broken ribs, but mainly for his psychological distress. Because this is America. It’s now a mere $300 000 after a judge downgraded his lawsuit.

She’s countersuing for $1. Like Taylor Swift. Because lofty ideals and knowing you’re in the right are so hot right now. Could she just stump up $300 grand? I’d assume so. Considering Goop sells a version of the Foundrae gold neckpiece she’s wearing in court  for around $25 000, I’d imagine that $300K is not inconceivable. Which can only mean she committed to this cause of proving herself right! Yay for us. And yes, I do also want to buy that neckpiece.

Could she act her way into looking like she gives two shites on the stand? Yep, pretty sure she could. But she doesn’t. Amused, bemused, yes. Bored? Defs. All this very beneath her? Absolutely. Did she roll into court on day one positively clanking in gold chains. S’true, she did. Is she enveloped in expensive repentant luxury neutrals? Bet your arse she is. Did her security detail dish our treats to the bailiffs? Factually correct. Was her answer to “Did he deter you from enjoying a very expensive vacation”, “well, I lost half a day of skiing”? Yep, it was. Delivery method? Dry.

Half a day of skiing. Arguably the best DGAF answer ever. Ever. Who needs Marie Antoinette’s tone deaf “Let them eat cake” when you can instead allow “I lost half a day of skiing” to enter your lexicon of rebuffs. It’s been dubbed Rich Mom Energy - Gwyn’s particular blonde blend of cashmere, Celine and curled lip. Most of me knows that no self-respecting Joburg Leb chick is ever going to get this neutral, waspy version of RME down - although we’ve always had first dibs on the gold chains - but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to shoot someone a withering ‘half a day of skiing’ answer. In fact, it might become my catchphrase for ‘I am so bored of this’ for the foreseeable future.

‘She’s built an empire not on warmth or next-door cutesiness but on being better than everyone else. More committed to her health, her workouts, her diet. She is one of the very few thin celebrities who doesn’t pretend to eat pizza regularly to seem more relatable because true Goop fans don’t want to see Gwyneth eat a hamburger or drink tap water or fly economy. Her personal brand is built on extreme fame, extreme wealth and extreme thinness.’ - The Times

I love her for it. She might be polarising - and many a magazine cover of mine over the decades has proved this, she is loved or loathed - but, yoh, she’s good value. The column inches I have dedicated to this women? Countless. She sleeps in a yolk yellow silk midriff. She cooks in a pale pink Gucci bralet. She witness stands in navy Celine. She brings treats for the bailiffs. And even Terry’s lawyer has had her fair share of starstruck, giggly moments, cooing that Gwyneth was ‘small but mighty'‘. Dear god, please don’t let this trial end too soon. We deserve this little reward for good behaviour.