24 Things I Know After The First 24 Days Of 2024

A non-exhaustive but ultimately-slash-possibly useful list of surviving the first bit of the new year. And go!

1 Fillers are no longer as cool

This is not to say I thought they were KEWL per se, but just to say that Hollywood and The Much-Filler-Maligned A-List has started to agree that p’raps some of them went a leeeetle bananas on the filler front and that p’raps new tech that’s a smidge less poufy is a better starting point for Ye Old Aging Debacle. Also in the UK, there’s been much press about not-very-medically-accredited injectors, which is also causing some raised brows. If only any of us could still raise a brow. JOKES! I can still raise a brow. But who knows how long I’ll still hold out. Fifty is around the forking corner.

2 Barry Keoghan is everyone’s red carpet bestie

Barry with the unpronounceable Irish surname is everywhere. More everywhere even than his co-star Jacob Elordi’s bathwater. If you’ve watched Saltburn, you’ll know 😏. There are even candles scented ‘Jacob Elordi’s Bath Water’. I digress. Barry is a pocket rocket having arguably The Most Fun… With fashion, with his co-stars, with the media… Flirting outrageously with everyone, looking good while doing it, ribbing with his mates on the red carpet, leaning in for the odd pretend kiss. His giddy Irish accent doesn’t help. Watch Saltburn, watch the Oscars, watch the Baftas and watch Masters of the Air on Apple TV. Watch Barry.

3 Mr Ripley is an It Boy

Thanks to Saltburn, the 1999 hot boy classic Talented Mr Ripley is The Biz. In rephrasing the words of Tiktok: Talented Mr Ripley walked so Saltburn could run. And jirre, does it run. The memes are hilarious, the film is so achingly stylish that you’ll weep, and so on point for the early Noughties, ditto. So what does that have to do with Mr Ripley? Well, A) watch Saltburn and B) know this – there’s a new series coming to Netflix titled Mr Ripley, based on the original film starring – hold onto your knickers – Andrew ‘Hot Priest’ Scott in the titular role.

4 The Hot Priest

If you watched Fleabag, you’ll know of Andrew Scott aka hot priest. His title in the script, btw, was never Hot Priest, we, the ever-loving Internet crowned him ‘Hot Priest’. Anyhoozles, yay us and I’ll stop making this about lovely Irish men to follow after Andrew… He’s got Mr Ripley coming, as well as the film All Of Us Strangers with Other Irish Hotness Paul Mescal. Yes, Double Irish Hotness for the film and all red carpet and press appearances. Plus, sweet cheeses, they are hilariously funny together – here’s my au courant fave clip from their interviews, sure there’s loads more to follow before awards season is wrapped.

5 Early 00s club tracks are hot right now

Saltburn’s director and writer Emerald Fennell has given The Younger Gen a MAJOR yearning craving for the early Noughties, thanks to her obsession with pop culture and the lovingly curated soundtrack to her film. If you’re old enough to be wondering why major Brit pop club tracks have suddenly resurfaced of late, thank Emerald. Sophie Ellis Bextor, Bloc Party and Girls Aloud all play a bit part in Saltburn. So much so that Murder on the Dancefloor is back on the Charts – more than two decades after its first release. Listen to this playlist here. Also if you like nepo baby connections (me, I do!) Emerald is the daughter of mega Brit jeweller Theo Fennell.

6 Jeremy Allen White is hot full stop

See above. I, like every other woman on Planet Earth, nearly gave up hummus and almond flat whites when I saw Jeremy Allen in his Calvin Klein tighty whiteys. Mainly for his (twenty) six-pack abs, not his undercarriage, but same-same. I have been somewhat besotted with Mr White since Shameless. Starring as Lipp, I now realise he was probably only about 22 – yikes, sorry Momma White, I didn’t know. All references to filthy Botticelli angels aside, his show The Bear is 100% worth watching and on Disney. And I dare you not to shout ‘yes Chef’ whenever something happens in your life that involves Mr White again.

7 New Year resolutions are out of fash

So, not since forever has anyone really taken New Year’s resolutions seriously, right? We do them every year, but half the fun is knowing we’ll never stick to a bloody thing regardless of how well-intentioned. I mean, Bridget Jones confirmed this with her Diary entry back in the late 90s. She was constantly giving up bad men and fags (back when that still means ciggies) and losing weight (back when we were still allowed to say that was a life goal). Like so many other absolutely arbitrary things that The Internet has chosen to suck the lamest of fun out of now comes resolutions… The amount of think pieces I whizzed past this month on why resolutions are bad, why they set unrealistic expectations, how to set better goals, how to be NY resolution ready all the time. Blah blah yawn. Dry yer tears! The fun, dear Internet, is that we care nought for setting the goal. We want to still smoke the ciggies with Bridge and chase after Daniel Cleaver. Resolutions are just for fun. No need to be so pious about everrrrrything.

8 Dressing like a mob wife

Remember how last year (how long ago was that, btw?!) was all about Succession and thus it spawned a zillion items on ‘quiet luxury’ and ‘stealth wealth’ thanks to the fact that all the wildly expensive gear sported in the show was completely devoid of branding in an ‘if you know you know’ wink to real richness? No one has ever managed to convince a Jozi girl of this fact. Well, rejoice gal pals! This year has been dubbed The Year Of Mob Wife Dressing. Don’t know what that is? Imagine the opposite of neutral, logo-free cashmere and add another shiny, gold accessory. That’s mob wife. If Tom Wambsgans from Succession is lashing out about ‘ludicrously capacious bags’ then the mob wife is carrying it. Be ready, my leopard print is frothing.

9 The Olympics are in Paris

I’m telling you this not so that you can sign up to DSTV months in advance but so that you know that there will be LOTS of talk about Paris, so if you want to head over there, do it now! Brush up on your French and know the inner secrets of the city so you can participate in one of the “Oh you’ll be in Paris this summer” convos. The travel press are already telling all who will listen that it’ll be brutally expensive, so book now. But isn’t it always? But also see point about fun above.

10 The Rule Of Five

Fashion sustainability has taken a new route away from trying to get everyone to boycott fast fashion, mainly because for the majority of All Of Us, fast fashion is what we can afford. Its now encouraging re-use and re-wear and mend and fix and shop local and vintage et cetera. I put my fash shopping on hold mid last year – thanks to a half-arsed bet with a bestie that became a serious challenge with the same bestie. Thanks Sammy! Shall I write more about this? Essentially the fash-in-the-know peeps say: try and limit your fashion consumption to five items a year. That’s what fashion sustainability actually means. Think you can do it? Doing it already. Tell me.

11 Red carpet step and repeat backdrops must die

So looked forward to the Emmys red carpet and then someone at Fox said “more”. And the font got bigger. And the next Fox executive said “more’. And the lines got harder. And the next executive said “wait, no, even more” and they made it inky black and orange. And then they released the hounds. Well, almost. Can anyone on Earth look good against this backdrop? No one. Not the star, nor their frocks. Not the social media posts, nor the print coverage. Kill me know. When corporate sponsorship goes absolutely batshit, this is what it looks like.

12 Greta Lee is the coolest person I don’t know

Great Lee is the most fashionable darling to step onto the red carpet in eons. She’s on The Morning Show and also Past Lives and considering how quickly she leapt onto centre stage you’d think she was A Mega Youth. She’s 40. She’s finally got her big break. I love her even more for this fact. I love her daring style choices. I love how she wears clothes and they don’t wear her. I love her stylist. I love her simple make-up and hair. I will watch her wear anything.

13 So is her bestie Ayo from The Bear

Ayo Edebiri shares the same stylist and – holy hell- this gal, Danielle Goldberg, must be on fire this season with the sheer number of back-to-back hotness that is spiralling out of control from these two. Watch The Bear. Watch the red carpet. Watch these two. Don’t’ wear leather dresses just because Ayo did. Only she can pull this off. Much like you shouldn’t cut your hair into a short sharp bob like her and her bestie. Only they can pull this off. And perhaps JLo who has just had the chop, but jury is still out on whether they extensions reappear by next week.

14 Chunky knits will be huge

Groundbreaking, I know. Chunky knits for winter, but I mean CHUNKY knits. Claudia Winkelman, beloved of British reality TV like Strictly, is in a new show called The Traitors… The Traitors is ‘a tense psychological adventure competition where 22 strangers are moved into a castle in the Scottish Highlands to complete a series of challenges’. I mean, sign me up already! Highlands, Scotland, castle, Claudia in truly excellent knits! She’s single-handedly got us lusting after the yarn.

15 The Traitors is a show I want to watch

See above. You’ll understand why. I know you will.

16 Kate Moss turned 50

And in the words of When Harry Met Sally’s Harry: ‘I want what she’s having.’ Last week, her and her set got together to celebrate her 50^th in Paris. She wore a lace dress and a cloak. Of course she did. Looked a zillion buckeroos despite years of fun, swearing, champagne popping, ciggies and Johnny Depp pulling a diamond necklace out of her bum. Don’t know the story? Watch here. I know she’s also a super model, sigh, but ho hum, I adore her. I will hear no other words. I am The Nineties and so is she, so we will forever think as one. She’ll never not be Cool Brittannia. Go 50-year-old Mossy, I cant wait for what’s next. Sorry about the menopause.  

17 Micro everything

First it was Prada skirts, then joys (as in micro joys – you need to find them in your day) and then my bestie Sammy coined micro-connections… These are the throw-away moments of your day that allow you to remain connected to friends far away, not through major calls or contact or big declarative news updates but the mundane everyday bits of ‘lunch!’ and ‘outfit!’ and ‘love you’ lift selfies. We started sending each other an OOTD pic as our fash challenge got underway last year – see above – and it became the highlight of both of days to check in. Try it, micro connections. Go!

18 You can’t party as hard as your teens

I tried, I swear I did. The new year started in St Francis Bay and – some of you with younger child teens will not believe this but – there comes a time when your older teens want to take you out with them. I have no doubt that it’s in an “aaah cute, look at my doddery but adorable parents who I’ve accessorized my hot lewk with” but they do it! You get invited to go out and party with The Youth. You do not say no. Not ever. No matter how tired. You go. And you give it your best! At least for the first two hours. But the next day when they rise fresh as a brand new liver and you are dead for 72 hours, you’ll understand the first rule of fight club.

19 Dry January can be life changing

See above. I know the month is not over yet, but apparently if you do party with your teens you should also attempt to partake in the sober curious movement the following month or risk certain death.

20 Menopause is not for sissies

I’ve said it before and I will say it again: waking at 2am, burning like the light of a thousand suns, is absolutely as dumb-arse awful as it sounds. First you chalk it up to the temperature outside, then the fever you surely contracted thanks to the partying above, then the weight of your duvet and your negligent nightie (thanks Saint Vieve) until eventually you accept the reality of your sitch… Hot flashes and night sweats. Good luck, gals! I’ll let you know if I unearth any excellent tips for any of it! So far, I’m trying the star fish approach to sleeping – no part of me touching any other part of me. But there must be something more scientific! I’ll report back.

21 The colour of the year is apricot fuzz

What a kak colour. This is not a colour to wear. Although it was apparently chosen for its warm and fuzzy connotations because all of us little baby deers are still very traumatized post-covid. We still still need non-threatening things like apricot fuzz (and no new year’s resolutions) because it’s scary. Please read scary in Sandra Bullock from The Proposal voice: scawy.

22 People commenting “Let’s no comment on…”

One last whiney moment about The Internet of 2024… This is for all the people who comment “Let’s not comment on…” on Insta comments commenting about just that. We get it, we really do. Jacob Elordi loses weight screams the headline. The first comment “let’s not comment about losing weight, Jacob could be sick”. The second comment “let’s not comment about sickness, he could be dying.” The third comment: “let’s not comment about dying, it’s triggering”. The fourth: “let’s not comment about weightloss, its triggering” and on and on until the whole world implodes on itself with boredom or we give the remote control to AI. Although in AI bots’ case they seem to only comment: “let’s not comment, it was the vaccine”.

23 Babygirl is a compliment

Speaking of Jacob Elordi. Baby girl is a compliment. A good one. And Jacob Elordi is so baby girl. Thanks Gen Z for this one… Adults this is what it means: ‘He’s so babygirl’ is a term used to describe a man with energy that’s vulnerable, submissive, and somewhat cutesy. Go Jacob.

24 Very little else is a compliment

See above. Compliments only add to the “let’s not comment” rabbit hole. Real baby girls might be offended. Leave a comment below anyway!