The One Where Mossy Is A Goddess, Heidi A Worm

Welcome to Hollywood, nowhere else would this headline make sense

I want to talk about what’s going on with Kanye and Harvey Weinstein – court is in sesh! -  but it’s so hard to do that when Heidi Klum is writhing around on her own red carpet dressed as an earthworm. Just read that sentence again… Aaaaah, Hollywood! Just when you think you’ve seen and written it all – along comes an A-lister. I read a piece earlier this week that put forward the theory that Heidi’s outfit was, in fact, a feminist statement about women not always having to look shaggable. Or something like that. I’d love to hear your thoughts, but I really don’t think being a worm attached to your lover’s fisherman’s pole is a feminist statement. And she popped out of her worm costume in a sheer bedazzled onesie anyway, so hardly spent the whole evening clad like an eight foot shiny penis.

So, what are the others getting up to?

Kanye has been suuuuper quiet, which is equal parts very noticeable, not necessarily a great reflection on his mental health or just an opportunity for a regroup.

As The Atlantic writes: ‘Kanye destroyed himself… He was dropped by his talent agency; his clothing line was pulled from Gap; Adidas severed all ties… It took one week of conspiracy theorising to undo a lifetime of artistic achievement.’

Harvey Weinstein’s #MeToo is finally getting its time in court and it is going to be packed to the eyeballs with dirty laundry and high profile names. I’m following every salacious tidbit but so far that’s been restricted to: Harvey has very ace lawyers who are decimating the prosecution (no surprise there) and Harvey has rather deformed testicles (file under: things you wish you didn’t know), which have come up repeatedly just this week.

Olivia is still making her salad dressing for Harry Styles. Course she is.

Madonna flashed her boobs on Instagram and Cher flashed her new boyfriend – he’s 36, god bless you Cher.

And Mossy wore the Hottest OutFit The World Has Ever Seen (Since Cleopatra). You know I love Mossy. You know I loved her return to glam at YSL and can’t really take her Goopy wellness lark over at Cosmoss too seriously. But if this is what Mossy’s brand of wellness does to her almost-50-year-old self, then count me in I say! I’d look like an absolute moron in this get-up and she looks like a literal goddess.

Like everyone else on The Internet, I watched From Scratch this week… If you’ve already cried all the tears over this short series with Zoe Saldana, might I remind you that Zoe herself is happily married to her own ridiculously handsome Italian artist, Marco Perego. Yes, amor, really. In unrelated art news (I hope you spot the segue), The Simpsons are now the new pop culture pin-ups – they were spotted in pieces at the recent Frieze Art Fair. Soz Minnie Mouse, Bart’s in town.

And apropos of nothing…

Here Are 4 New Beauty Products I Am Obsessed With RN

Good Leaf … the CBD brand has launched a skincare range that is clean as in organic, all-natural, vegan, no bad bits, only good bits… The moisturisers and face oil are rich on application, but it’s the smell that has me (and everyone else) raving… An energetic blend of essential oils that is perkiness is a jar.

Clarins Lip Oil… three colours and the love child of a balm and a gloss… Heavenly on application, a bit of colour and a lot of moisture, ideal easy summer slick.

Fenty Beauty Brow Wax… one side of the pencil is wax and the other is brush - like a toothbrush not a reg eyebrow brush - so makes the perfect stay-in-place brow kit that’ll fake laminated brows in an instant. Love.

Dior J’Adore D’Eau… it’s all water and white flowers, no alcohol, which makes it a great call for sensitive skin, but is utterly gorgeous and summery and fresh regardless. It sprays on as a milky juice which somehow makes it feel more like a face mister than a perfume in my addled brain so I spray on lashings before I remember that I am not in fact Charlize Theron and do not have a bottomless supply of Dior.

If you try any of the above and it helps you look like Charlize, please let me know! If not, I’ll still be here, slathering myself in Prai decolletage cream and tinted SPF, readying myself for summer! How many Gold Bottom kaftans do you think I need to consider myself Officially Ready? One more? Surely.