I've Aged (Dis) Gracefully Into DWTS

Don't know DWTS, you youthful so-and-so! It's Dancing With The Stars. And its back with a bang of nostalgia and a shake of Olympians.

A funny thing happened this week in a world of Stars They’re Just Like Us… But Not really. Brad Pitt and George Clooney ended up together in Venice at the film festival with their (frankly!) smoking hot dates, who speak several languages, boast truly cracking careers and look like bronzed, glowing goddesses sheathed in shimmering silks.

And the quote that the media managed to “source” from friends of friends of friends of the couple – Brad and the glorious Inez De Ramon – said something along the lines of: “they like to hike and bounce ideas off each other.” Kill me now.

I thought this was very funny because, friends I implore you, in the unlikely event that I ever date someone again – it doesn’t even need to be Brad Pitt – please tell your friends of friends of friends that, when questioned, they need to give a great answer. They should not say: “they like to bounce ideas off each other.” Grapes maybe. They like to bounce grapes off each other. Or tequila shots. Or gold coins. But not ideas.

I mentioned this on social media. And on Threads no less. Well, howdy Threads! Did the Russian girl mafia come for me!  “You are disgusting, Brad Pitt would never date you!” Erm, no babes. I didn’t think he would. No one here was imagining that I was next in the queue after Ines. Yikes, The Internet can be dumb-arse.

Also, thank fork for Substack where you can write cool pieces in your own voice to your own li’l community.

Luckily, The Internet delivers heroes as swiftly as villains. And idiots. And the smartest kids on the block this week were not in fact my Threads trolls, but the casting directors of the latest season of Dancing With The Stars. Hands up who last watched DWTS? Not me, I confess.

The new US season is boasting a line-up of dream viewing, some of whom have only just touched down from Paris. Yes, Actual Olympians. Plus, a selection of Blasts From The Past that are just too good. I know, before Threads can tell me, that getting hot under the collar about DWTS means that I am… Of A Certain Age. The punks are watching Love Island as slavishly as I will now watch Eric Roberts do the foxtrot. Let’s start with him.

Eric Roberts 🥋

As in Julia’s brother and Emma’s dad… Yes, Julia Roberts and Emma Roberts. Did you know he was also an actor? Are you old enough to remember him as an 80s and 90s bad boy heart throb? I am. He was nominated for an Oscar and two Golden Globes in the 80s, but it’s his black belt in Tae Kwando that I remember drooling over in his action films, not his award-nominated performances. Sorry Eric. I will do better, but your washboard abs were a thing to behold. And thanks to The Karate Kid, us 90s ladies didn’t mind a knotted hairband and a shaggy mullet.

Tori Spelling 📺

Again, if you lived through the 90s you’ll remember Tori as part of the original 90210 gang. She was also one of the original nepo babies – those that Tiktok is now so obsessed with - in that her dad was Aaron Spelling. Aaron was a mega A-list producer. In fact, he is noted as the most prolific and successful television producer in television history – and he was behind iconic long-running shows like (deep breath… ) Charlie’s Angels, The Love Boat, Hart To Hart, Dynasty, Melrose Place and, yes, Beverley Hills 90210. Anyway, Tori went from 90210 into motherhood and reality tv amongst other things. And now she is back on DWTS.

Ilona Forking Maher 🙌

Who did I love most from this year’s Olympics? It can only be Ilona Maher. I mean, not just me but millions of you adored her and her hilarious Olympic and rugby commentary via Tiktok and Reels. She has landed back in the US as an absolute steamroller of a star – millions of followers, a round of late night talk show interviews, a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover and – whoop! – Dancing With The Stars. CANNOT wait for her take on learning to dance. Also, she is a brilliant body positivity advocate and her sisters are equally funny and dismissive of her sudden fame.

Pommel Horse Guy 🤓

Remember the guy on the US gymnastics team who went viral for looking like Clark Kent on the bench while pommel-horsing like Superman off the bench? And securing the US team a bronze medal? Yes that guy - the one who can solve a Rubik’s cube practically in his sleep. His name is Stephen Nedoroscik – must stop calling him pommel horse guy – and he is on board this season too.

Anna Delvey 💸

But wait! There’s more - you cannot make this up! Kudos casting directors, kudos! Anna Delvey is the socialite swindler who was the subject of the crazy Netflix documentary Inventing Anna. She hobnobbed with New York’s social scene while scamming people out of loads of moola while pretending to be a rich Euro-babe. Her accent and brazen approach spawned a squillion memes when the documentary series hit. Anna – ankle monitor bracelet and all – is ready to flick a hoof, as my friend Michele would say. And since an interviewer has already asked, I know the answer: no, the ankle monitor bracelet will not hinder her dance moves, it’s very light.

So we’ve got Olympians, a swindler under house arrest and two former stars of the very buzzy-for-their-time variety. It could be an Agatha Christie murder mystery or it could be the best season of Dancing With The Stars ever. If you disagree – yikes! – I think you might be younger than me or trying to get Oasis tickets.

Because that is the only Other Thing thrilling people of my age this week. I am obvs Peak Excitement, but did not even attempt to join the millions on Ticketmaster queuing for its surge-priced tix. As The Internet surmised: Taylor Swift daughters walked so Oasis dads could run. Those dudes know their way around a Ticketmaster queue. The big story is, of course, if Noel and Liam Gallagher will actually make it to the concert dates next year unscathed. They haven’t exactly been besties.

Liam and Noel Gallagher offer up a kind of 90s rock commentary that you’d be hard-pressed to get away with now… They are gloriously arrogant and forking rude about absolutely everyone, most especially each other. Liam has been famously quoted as saying: “I like to think Oasis will get back together, but not this week.”

But then, he has also said: “I think we’re both the problem and the problem is that [Noel] thinks he's not the problem.”

“I am a tender, beautiful and loving guy that happens to slap a photographer now and then because they get in my way.”

“I’ve mellowed, but not in the sense of liking Radiohead or Coldplay.”

“Rock stars exercising? I don't think it's right. You either got it or you ain’t.”

"I'm not a pop star. I'm a rock 'n'roll star. And I'm mad for it."

Bless, I’m mad for it too. I bet he wouldn’t have minded having a go at my new Russian friends over on Threads. And I can absolutely bet that none of his friends has ever thought Liam’s idea of a good time was “bouncing around ideas and hiking.” And thank fork for that!