Is It Menopause Or Is It [Insert Specifics Here]

Here's a fun drinking game you can play with me and your friends if you're Of A Certain Age...

Yep, its true. There’s a game I play that I like to call ‘Is It Menopause Or Is It Covid, The Black Death, Really Very Hot, Truly Annoying For Other People Too … Okay fine, let just call it ‘Is It Menopause Or Is It…’

It started innocently enough, as these things often do, while I was reading yet another piece about a woman in peri-menopause who had been misdiagnosed with depression or burn-out or tick bite fever or something! But definitely and categorically not with peri-menopause. Obviously, spoiler alert, that’s exactly what it was, which leads me to the age-old adage of ‘trust your body’ but only if you’re not a hypochondriac, because then maybe your heartburn is trying to murder you and is not simply a symptom of your menopause-adjacent age.

Then I happened to catch Jennifer Lawrence on Amy Poehler’s podcast – it’s Good Hang With Amy Poehler and if you haven’t listened to it: do! It is suuuuuch a winner! And is actual winner too, snatching the first Golden Globe for Podcasting this year from the paws of many more established hosts including her ex-husband Will Arnett. Love that podcast too, but yay Amy.

And a quick side-track here for Amy, but the gal gets really great guests. Yes, I know there are no strangers in the aristocracy of success, but we’re talking great great guests as in ‘we don’t really do podcasts’ guests. And then they just yak. No fancy designer couches, mood lighting, fluffy socks or matcha; just a pair of specs for Amy to constantly Google things on her laptop as they shoot the shit. And a lot of good vibes. And OBVS it’s Amy Poehler so she is funny as all fork, but in a conversational way, not in an ‘I’m the comedy host and you’re the guest’ way.

It has the same kind of homey, laid-back, intimate energy as The Dish podcast – my Brit favourite with Nick Grimshaw and Angela Hartnett. Both podcasts do something that should be easy, but isn’t – giving you intimate, ‘we’re all part of this convo’ vibes with huge names without being cheesy and sycophantic like Drew or eye-wateringly Gen Z where everyone is clacking their stiletto nails together and hissing ‘gurl’ after every declaration.

This last statement could easily fall into “Is this menopause or is this something that is truly annoying?” It is probably menopause, because why should I feel so enraged by pretty young things with too-long nails that clack together like ASMR witches’ boots? I should not. I should just mind my own business. Also, something that is increasingly difficult to do as one ages! Alas! Consider your business officially mine too.

Anyway, back to Amy’s guest (Is it menopause or did I always get sidetracked so easily?)… Jennifer Lawrence is on and in the middle of everything suddenly blurts out: “Urgh, the inside of my ear is itchy, is that gross?” To which Amy replies: “You know itchy ears are a sign of peri-menopause so congrats.” It is, ahem, fair to say Jennifer did not recover from this realisation! And also, this is so factually correct that I have long added it to my “Is this menopause or are the insidiest bits of my ears going to drive me completely insane?” Spoiler alert: its menopause. And they have.

Itchy ears was the first time I really knew with any certainty that I was in the thick of it, because you can wish away hot flushes as lots of things- yes, mostly heat, you smart fella - but the most deeply specific, deeply inner ear itch? Well, that is niche. So niche. And that is menopause.

So, here we are. Want to play? Here are my current top 10, add yours.

Is it menopause or…

1. Can no one can park quickly?

2. Is my arse on fire in the middle of the night?

3. Has my upper lip always been this sweaty?

4. Is it reasonable for someone to only look for the parking ticket inside the huge handbag once at the front of the long ticket line?

5. Is Cape Town currently hotter than the surface of the sun?

6. Am I awake because I really do want to watch Heated Rivalry again?

7. Is Heated Rivalry really to blame for my insomnia?

8. Am I just too dumb to remember how many pumps of Femigel I am supposed to slather over (into?!) myself?

9. Do I really need peptides, NAD, creatine ?

10. Should I remember the difference between creatine, peptides and NAD?

Quick disclaimer, Heated Rivalry is equally to blame for a lot of my current brain fog, hot flushes and insomnia, but really who can blame me?! Here’s Ilya heading to The Cottage to kick off your weekend, loons.