Is It Me Or Is It Aesthetically Displeasing In Here?

Zoom, filters, tweakments, treatments, can we ever look at ourselves like we used to? Scroll for Bold Glamour Filtered Moi

I can chalk this up in equal part to Martha Stewart (or maybe Heidi Klum - she’s 49, so closer to my age than 81-year-old swimsuit edish Martha); the mounting algorithm that serves me aesthetic content (yes, I know that means I must be watching it) and the fact that I have spent the last three years looking at myself. No, not in a mirror, thanks Snow White, but rather in the hellscape that became three years of back-to-back Zooms.

No Woman Of A Certain Age should spend hours staring at herself. No Woman Of A Certain Age, ahem, should admit that even three years of Zoom later, her own visage staring back at her is deeply distracting! You’d think by now I had come to terms with whatever the fork was going on in The Facial Region. I have and I haven’t. A dip in online meeting energy and I am back to wondering these deeply state-of-the-nation questions…

Should I microblade my eyebrows? Answer: No.

Zoom answer: Victoria Beckham recently posted a TikTok stating that David has NEVER seen her without her brows on. Obviously, I had to watch. What catastrophe had befallen her arched brows, I mused. She says she over-plucked them in the 90s. Same, girl. Although I am Lebanese and I was a bit of wimp, so I never went totally bonkers. Too sore. Lucky for me, turns out! Vic says her brows are now patchy and she always has them filled in. So, eyebrow pencil it is. Although she does draw in the individual hairs. She did say that. I applaud this. Even if I don’t always have the wherewithal.

Should I get an eyelid lift? Answer: Unlikely.

Zoom answer: Wake the fork up, Rene Zellweger. This is a really simple procedure that lifts your lids if they’re starting to droop aka if your lash extensions are touching your eyelids, then Bob’s Your Plastic Surgeon! When Rene had her lids done – back in her just post-Bridge Jones heyday, the world literally went bananas. Said she’d changed her entire face and she’d never work again. Luckily, we’re not at alllll dramatic. Nor do we insanely comment on the choices of women we don’t know and who have absolutely nothing to do with us! Now it’s so common that loads of my friends have had it done – the only downer, about a week in fabulously oversized sunnies and the BOOM!

Should I get lip filler? Answer: Pending.

Zoom answer: Ohmygod, is my top lip getting thinner? Should I plump it up? Can I try pouting right now or will everyone else on this Zoom call notice? I mean, obviously every Kardashian and Hollywood star has done this, so much so that it’s hard to remember what anyone in the world looked like without Rosie Huntington-Whiteley lips. I came from a time where Rosie was famous because she was the only one who had Rosie Huntington-Whiteley lips. Shame.

Also, you can faux lip filler yourself on thousands (literally) of Insta and TikTok filters, so seeing yourself IRL on your Zoom call can come as something of a shocking reality call if you’re using these! I am not, but my goodness, I have tried and screenshot all of their efforts. TikTok’s Bold Glamour filter has 66 million videos. What does it do? It sharpens your chin, fills in your eyebrows (thanks Posh), smooths your skin, brightens your cheeks. I can’t even describe what it does overall – just take a look! This was me when I stopped mid-writing this column to snap a few filtered shots. ‘Ello ‘ello! Now remind me again, how impossible it would become to look at your own ludicrously normal face every day when this is what you look like in virtual reality. FML. Also: pop culture trivia, people had a right fit when this filter launched earlier this year because it’s so insanely seamless, and thus one could get cat-fished into thinking a person was madly gorgeous when they were just an ordinary old bugger, like the rest of us, with a good filter.

Should I get a paper bag to put over my head? Answer: It is sustainable.

Zoom answer: A paper bag is the arguably cheaper answer to: “how did my cheek fat drop below my jawline?” Is that even something gravity can do? One of the pitfalls of working as a beauty journalist-slash-magazine editor means there often comes a time for skin consultations for features being penned. When I first became aware of this, it was thanks to early invitations to Botox parties. I said no. I was 28. It was rather a long time ago.

Now I am 48 and it’s less about an invite to a Botox party and more about a deep dive into your skin and how its ageing. And how you can - how do I put this delicately? oh yes - freshen up. That’s around the time that I first learnt your cheek fat can actually morph into your double chin! Haha! Good times! Bloody menopause. Or gravity. Or ageing gracefully. Or whatever the fork it is. I am wearing a polo-neck as I type this. Watch this space. Or check out Bold Glamor on TikTok - its without the ‘u’ because its American bt I can hardly bear to type it in this fashion. Better still - tell me what you’d consider drastic versus par for the course when it comes to ageing and beauty treatments. I’d love to know!