BRB, Still Cheering The Near Return Of The Oscars

Forgot all about The Unforgettable Slap, as I watched the wildest, whackiest film in memory and its fabulous-speech-giving cast give (groan) authenticity and fun back to award shows

Last year, when Will Smith bounced to his feet and gave Chris Rock what is known in South African parlance as a poes klap, I thought I had finally reached peak Oscar satiety. Fork, it was a sordid little moment - the absolute arse-end of glitzy celebrity that I kinda hoped Tinsel Town always was, while really knowing it wasn’t.

That was always The Thing with the Oscars – you didn’t need to believe anyone looked like that or handled themselves like that every single sodding day, you just had to let yourself fall headlong into the magic for one singular night. Until Will tore a hole through that flimsy fantasy – making me just a girl, sitting on her couch, in her jammies, asking her blinking TV screen WTAF.

Spoiler alert: whatever crisis management team was hauled in this year, they made it happen. I loved the vibe of Oscars 2023. This whole awards season, in fact, has been pretty damn uplifting. This constant barrage of love owes major thanks to the ton of feel-good moments generated by Everything Everywhere All At Once… And a champagne-hued carpet that shamed all red carpets before it. Truly. It’s like they took Cameron Diaz’s early Noughties dress (Google Cam Oscars 2002) and turned it into the decor lewk of the day. Annnd the fash was pretty damn flawless this Oscars. But let’s hit you in the feels first!

Ke Huy Quan – this guy! His Hallmark movie just writes itself. Forty years ago, he played Short Round – Indy’s sassy sidekick in Indiana Jones. Not long thereafter, he played Data in The Goonies. Anyone my age will remember both these movies as seminal moments of their 80s childhoods. Seminal! My brother and I watched The Goonies more times than I can count and I grew up wanting to be Indiana (younger bro, unforch, had to play Short Round). But here’s a cool story that comes full circle, culminating in his Oscars night… And it’s not the bear hug caught on camera (the below is ANOTHER bear hug) between a grown-up Ke Huy Quan and an 80-year-old Harrison Ford either. Although there’s that too.

It's this: his Goonies counterpart, Jeff Cohen – aka Chunk – had long ago given up on showbiz and became an entertainment lawyer instead. The pair have remained firm friends. Fast forward a squillion Hollywood years later and its Jeff who Ke calls to whip through his new movie contract - after a dry spell of some decades. Yep, Chunk from The Goonies, negotiated Data’s Everything Everywhere All At Once contract, setting up Ke Huy Quan – a one-time Vietnamese refugee who fled for Hong Kong and eventually America – for his eventual Oscar win. That’s ‘The Goonies’ brother’ he thanked in his tearjerker acceptance speech.

“I was so hungry for a script like this, for a role like this. I remember reading it until 5am … I was looking out the window, the sun was rising, and I said, ‘I have to go to sleep,’ because my audition was in the afternoon. It had been more than 25 years since I’d auditioned — I was so nervous, I was shaking.”

Still on the fabulous cast of EEAAO (how’s that for a vowel-laden 80s electronica band name?)… Michelle Yeoh, 60, and Jamie Curtis, 64, snatched up Oscars too. Michelle said this:

“Ladies, don’t let anybody tell you, you are ever past your prime. Never give up.” Louder, for the people in the back.

Michelle also became the first Asian women - and only the second woman of colour – to win the best actress award in the show’s 95 year history. That’s almost 100 years of showbiz. Her award was presented to her by the first woman of colour to win that award – Halle Berry, back in 2002. Applause. But better still, is the meme-worthy whoop-whooping friendship between Michelle and her co-star Jamie Lee.

I have watched these moments caught on camera with a huge grin – this is what female friendship as you grow old looks like. It’s a no-shits-given, cheering-from-the-side-lines, gutsy (often raucous) affair with a lot of big hugs, tears, laughter and good frocks in between. While still being in bed by 10pm. It is not – bless the young Hollywood crew who appear to be slugging it out over Justin Bieber again – a bitchy, slug-fest where you’re too often dissing one another over perceived slights, moody boys and stolen beauty hacks. So, what if we need an retinol eye cream and we prefer our Birks to our vertiginous disco heels? At least our dates don’t wear crochet blankies to the Oscars. Here’s Biebs at The Oscars after-party for visual ref… Roll your eyes with me.

And the fash! That champagne carpet – a bugger to clean – was a winner for frocks. And if I were writing this for Grazia, I’d be telling you that The Little White Dress – LWD, to its new friends - was the biggest winner of the night. We’ve got Michelle Yeoh (goddess in frothy Dior); Halle Berry; Michelle Williams; Ana De Armas; Emily Blunt; Mindy Kaling; Zoe Saldana; Rita Ora; Olivia Wilde; Ariana DeBose and even Paul Mescal, all in white. There’s Hunter Schaffer too but, honestly, I’m not sure a white feather across the nips counts as actually wearing white. Certainly, this particular lewk is not going to be inspiring too many bridal gowns for the year ahead.

This red carpet season also stood out for me as one in which – finally! – the dudes seemed to have a little fun with fashion. Thanks A-list stylists for that. You nailed it. Austin Butler’s sweeping navy blouse under his black tuxedo; Donald Glover’s cut-out tuxedo jump suit; Shawn Mendes’ transparent under shirt (never thought I’d be typing those words in a pros column); Paul Mescal’s white tuxedo and floppy bowtie; Ciego Dalva’s Gucci embroidered beauty; Andre Garfield’s red Valentino; The Rock’s ballet pink satin… Tick, tick, tick and hell yes please!

My Best In School victrix ludorum of Red Carpet Season ’23, however, goes to Jodie Turner-Smith. That goddess – truly! – has been regal and bloody show-stopping at every turn. Helped ably along by Joshua Jackson - the velvet-clad, silver-fox that he is. I find her equal parts, A) the coolest girl in the room and B) the scariest. Scary? See A). Fork, she’s cool. Her make-up, accessorizing, Gucci, poses, everything. DEADLY. In the best possible way. I am completely obsessed. If I were younger, the same award would probably go to Kaia Gerber and Austin Butler because it is simply impossible for there to exist a more genetically blessed pair. Cindy Crawford’s daughter and Elvis. I meannnn… Come. On.

Fave moments? Lewks? Fails? Tell me! Comments, as always below. And now back to real life.